Nothing Left to Lose
by Beatrice B
Summary: My name is Allie and I am out for revenge. Join me and the Winchester brothers on a heartbreaking, adventure filled roller coaster ride. Warning: Rated M for the following: Sex, Mature language, Nudity, Violence... You have been warned.
1. Rescued by a Winchester

Disclaimer: This is a re-write of a previous work. As always I don't own anything.

**Chapter 1: 3 Months Ago -Rescued By a Winchester **

My name is Allie Volkov. Which is actually short for Allison. I was driving down the interstate in a rush to get home. I had just gotten back from an internship in London for theatre. Yes, I was in fact a theatre major, and no; I was not a starving artist. I was actually making money at the time. At an intersection with a Red light I stopped; that's when everything changed. My cell phone started to ring and so of course I pulled off to the side of the road, and answered my parents call. I wish I had known what had awaited me. Maybe then I could have saved them. When I picked up the phone I heard my Grandma scream. Then a gunshot, and another gunshot. My Mom yelled into the phone. "Allie, can you hear me. Don't come home. - Static - found us -static -aren't safe here anymore -static - So sorry and now - static - die. Find the Winchesters. I contacted - Static - They will know what to do. We love you. We love you." Then I heard a scream and the dial tone. It was silent on the other end. Fear gripped my heart so tight that I couldn't breathe. I had no idea what was going on. "MOM! MOM! DAD! NANNIE!" I heard a car engine idling behind me. It looked rather old. I heard a knock on my window and jumped so high and screamed so loud I was surprised I hadn't shot through the roof. When I looked over, I saw a man leaning down, his hair was rather messy. He was handsome. It is funny, looking back on it now; that you never realize how much someone means to you before you meet them. To this day, Dean still gives me shit about how scared I looked. One time he even told me, " I was surprised you didn't shit a little." He can be an asshole sometimes. I, of course Had no idea what lay in store for me. I had no idea what part I would play.

* * *

**2 Hours Later **_(I am switching to present tense for __convenience.)_

" You expect me to believe that my parents were killed by Demons? You are crazy!" I told him.

" It's the truth." He said.

" Well, I am going home. It was nice to meet you ummm..." I said.

" The name's Dean. And where exactly are you gonna go? Your parents are dead! Your sister would only be put in danger if you went to find her! You don't have anyone... except for me." Dean said.

"FUCK YOU, I am going to get in my car and go home." I said.

" What car? You left at the side of the road remember? I saved your ass. Didn't you get the voicemail?"

" I did, but they were probably just playing a prank on me, right?... right?" I said, trying to reassure myself.

Dean shakes his head and scoffs. Then he takes off his shirt.

" What the fuck are you doing? I ask?

" Showering" He says.

For the next 30 minutes I am alone with my thoughts. I don't really want to think about anything as my hands are folded behind my head. I stare up at the ceiling. He is crazy but unfortunately for me, his rational actually makes sense. No one would ever want to hurt my family. We don't have any enemies that I know of. We lived in a safe neighborhood. There wasn't any option other than supernatural. I must bee going crazy too. Maybe it is contagious. Maybe - _I hear the water shut off and rusting in the __bathroom. -_Maybe it is true. It would be interesting. Oh God, what is that smell? Is that me? _\- I hear the door open to the bathroom. - _I look over to the door and no longer can think properly. He holds a towel around his waist with water running down his chest. I swallow hard and avert my eyes; I am honorable after all. I feel guilt wrack my insides. My family could be dead and here I am ogling a man that only has half a working brain. He is so sexy though. No. I think to myself. I squeeze my eyes shut and bite my lip. Bad. Bad Allie. He clears his throat.

" Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah, I am fine." My voice cracks and squeaks. You certainly get accustomed to seeing people naked in theatre but not like this. There isn't exactly time for modesty when you have about two minutes to put on pants, a coat , a tie, shoes, and replace microphones.

" Is there still hot water left?" I ask?

" Yes." He says.

" Okay, see you in a bit." I say.

* * *

As I undress I hear a knock on the door. In a panic I shout, " Just a minute." Just as I am finishing wrapping a towel around my body the guy opens the door.

" Don't you knock?" I snap at him." What was your name again?" I ask.

" My name is Dean, and I was wonderin' if I left my razor in here."

" You should keep the stubble, it looks better." I answer truthfully.

"Whatever," He rolls his eyes and shuts the door.

Alone again I remove the towel and begin to examine my body. This fragile, breakable and finite lump of flesh. I close my eyes and breathe deeply and then open my eyes. My brown curly hair never really stays in one place. If I don't shower it tends to become frizzy as it is now. I flatten it out with my hands and look deeply at the person in the mirror. My eyes are brown. My dad used to compare how full of shit a person was with how brown their eyes were. I chuckle softly to myself. My nose, I take my index finger and run the length of it; It is wide and is somewhat hooked. My lips are small and somewhat thin. My face is not unpleasant but not stunning either. Unique but certainly not plain. I grab my stomach fat and pull it together. I could stand to lose a few pounds. My breasts are rather large and they tend to get in the way. I know that if I lost weight they would go down a cup size. I sigh and gather my shampoo and conditioner and put them in the shower. I return to examining myself in the mirror. I run my fingers down my butt and give it a swat. and look at the patch of hair in-between my thighs. No need to groom down there; after all it's not like anyone is ever going to see it anyway. My calves are pretty small compared to my thighs. I look down and examine my feet. They are perfectly flat; another inconvenience.

I step into the shower. The water is warm against my skin and I release the breath I had been holding. I relax, and after a long time of standing in the warmth I begin to think. What use is being in a shower when you can't do anything useful. Through out the shower I think about a lot of things, I think about my family, and my sister. I wonder if they are alive. If maybe the hot psycho outside is right? I wonder if I will ever have a normal life or if I am doomed to a life with Whatshisname out there. As I step out of the shower and dry my hair, I come to the realization. That maybe Whathisname isn't so crazy after all. I hate admitting it, but a demon would make sense. Without Dean... I think it was Dean... I would have gone straight home into the ambush. I had a feeling that he and I wouldn't be separating any time soon. For some reason that made me smile. I think maybe he was telling the truth. If that is the case... it is time to go Hunting.


	2. Hunting

Disclaimer: I don't Own. Also this chapter is dialogue heavy. You will have to use your imagination from what was provided in the first chapter appearance wise. I am hoping in the next chapter we see how she reacts to fire arms. Just a heads up - a little bit of trigger warning and in the next chapter some PTSD Side effects.

**Chapter 2: Hunting - 88 Days ago**

"Wake up, we are here." Dean told me.

"Lemme Sleep" I said.

" You'll have time for that later. Right now you need training." Dean said.

Dean shook me until I finally woke up. I gave him my puppy dog look.

"Don't give me that look. It won't work on me. Well... ahem.. I guess I could let you sleep. You would be missing a hell of a sunrise though." He said.

"Where are we?" I asked.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as the driver door slammed shut. I hear the trunk being opened and the clinking of glass. I stretch my signature stretch. It normally comes with lots of screaming and flexing like a cat. I hear the trunk slam shut. I open the passenger car door and shut it with a slam. Dean is enjoying a beer.

"Rather early for alcohol don't you think?" I say.

"Nah, it is never too early." He says.

I roll my eyes. It has been two days since I met Dean. He offers me a beer, might as well; we don't have any water. I feel a little guilty though, as i am not of age to drink. We watch the sunrise through the trees. It is a little chilly this morning, I wrap my arms around myself to try to stay warm.

" Are you hungry?" Dean asks.

"Can we just wait until the sunrise is over to talk." I say.

At home I would rarely get to see the sunrise. It is my favorite time of day but I would always sleep through the morning. Now, laying against the side of the Impala I watch a new day dawn. The reds' and yellows and pinks all blend together. What feels like an hour passes, and then another.

"Ok, Sorry... " I say.

"You're fine, How bout some breakfast." He replies.

He holds up a burger king bag. It is still warm. As we chow down on fatty goodness we chat a little.

"So, did you know about all this?" I ask.

"All what?" Dean says.

"You know, monsters, demons, and things. When did you find out about all... of this.?" I say.

Dean stops mid bite and clenches his jaw. His expression alone is making me question whether I should stop talking. Eventually he finishes off his burger.

" If you don't want to talk about it, that is fine." I say.

"No, umm... thats fine. I uh... me and my brother -

"My brother and I." I interject.

Dean rolls his eyes.

" Okay fine, my brother and I... we have lived this life for as long as I can remember." He says.

"Are you and your brother close." I ask.

At that he turns away from me, I must have hit a nerve. Silence engulfs for what seems like 10 very long minutes. Then finally he replies:

"I've got an idea, why don't you tell me about yourself instead of asking 20 questions about me."

" It wasn't 20 questions. It was more like 2." I state.

"Whatever, we should probably get a move on anyway." He says.

"Where are we headed?" I ask.

Dean opens up the back of the impala and motions me to follow him. Weapons galore are to be found. I gulp hard. I have never touched a weapon before.

"Not far maybe a couple miles up the road." He says.

"Why don't we just drive there then?" I ask.

"It gets too narrow about a mile in. The car will get stuck. I have tried it before." He says.

"I don't know... how can I trust you, I only met you two days ago and now you are asking me to follow you into someplace I don't know!" I say.

"Look I understand what you are going through." He tells me.

I am annoyed. How could he possibly understand. I lost my family, I can't go back to school. Maybe this is all a dream. Maybe if I pinch myself I will wake up in bed and go to class. My brow furrows and I set my jaw, my eyes ablaze.

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH! "I shout.

I want to scream at him. I want to hit him. He is as stoic as can be though. I notice his hand clench and unclench. He swallows hard.

"My Mom died too." He says.

The statement hangs in the air. I don't know how to react, I clear my throat.

"The only reason I haven't thrown you to the wolves yet is because I think you have potential."He tells me.

"Doing what, hunting demons? Believe you me, when I find the son of a bitch he is going to be sorry." I exclaim.

"It is more than just hunting things, you save people too. From what was written in my Dad's Journal your family has been doing it for centuries." He says.

I trust him to protect me from other things but what about from himself. I don't really know anything about him.

"If I die because of you..."

"You don't trust me do you?" He says.

"NO, I don't, I mean I do, but I don't. How can you expect someone to trust you, I just met you." I say.

"Don't worry, you are safe with me." He says.

At that I snort, sure I am,just as safe with him as I am with any other male.

"For all I know...

"You need to stay with me, you need to learn the tricks of the trade before we can even think about hunting actual demons." He says firmly.

"Your crazy! I have never even seen a demon... so how do you know they exist?" I say.

"Well then what killed your parents... we have been through this before. I thought you had come to the right conclusion. If you want to stay alive you need to trust me. We will depend on each other when we are hunting together. It is now or never, I can take you back to your old life, you can go to school and pop out a couple of kids." He says.

"Or?"

"Or you can trust me. From now on I don't want there to be any more doubts. You either accept the cards your dealt or you fight like hell against them, what is your choice?"

"You think I have a choice. I didn't choose to do this, I didn't choose to be a part of my family. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS LIFE!" I scream.

I am hyperventilating. He gathers tents and supplies from the back, he walks up to me, and says quietly:

"Well this life chose you, whether you like it or not you are a hunter. I won't let you die on me. I am going to train you, and I hope that one day you will trust me," Hey says.

"Damn it Dean! I do trust you, I just... I don't know... I feel like I shouldn't. I only met you two days ago but I feel like I have known you at least a month, why? I have got no fuckin' idea!"

"Well, one of the reasons I trust you, is you screamed my name in your sleep." He says.

His grin. It is cat like, almost like I... No... I didn't. I remember someone and we were... Did I have a sex dream about Dean?

"What kind of scream was it? That can't be the only reason you trust me is it?"

"You just seem like you need protecting."

"I can take care of myself, I have been taking Judo since I was four, I am a black belt, and I used to be a sensei at a Dojo while I was in high school." I state.

"Really, that's Awesome!" He says.

"I am pretty good in a fight if it is hand to hand but I hate it." I state.

"Then why did you keep going?"He asks.

"My grandma. She kept pushing me to get higher and higher in Judo. She herself was a black belt. I am a pacifist; I have only ever had to use Judo for self defense once."

"What happened?"

I can't tell him what happened. I am still trying to sort through it myself. Will i ever have to use Judo on Dean? He wouldn't force a girl to...

"Nothing... it was nothing... You never explained what kind of scream it was."

He grins again, and starts laughing.

"It wasn't a scream it was more like a... like a moan.'Oh, Dean, right there... you are so handsome'!"He moans.

I do scream in my sleep, he won't let me live this down.

"I didn't say that! You Fuck! So, say I do trust you; how do I know that we are safe here?"

"We **are** safe here." He says.

"How do you know?"

"I have years of training, and that sign right behind you."

"It says private property! We shouldn't be here."

"Relax, this is where my old man started my training... if you could call it training."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Nevermind. Have you ...umm... ever held a gun before?" He asks.

I shake my head no.

"What about knives?" He asks.

"Only for cooking." I state.

" I guess we can start with that. Now make yourself comfortable. We will be camping here for a while."

"What about the sign!" I ask.

"The owner died 20 years ago. Now, let's get started."


	3. PTSD and Fanservice

Disclaimer: Trigger warning in this one, flashbacks, and fan service. I don't own Supernatural.

**PTSD and Fanservice**

We had been walking for about two hours when Dean stopped and turned to me.

"We are finally here!" He says.

He looked about as happy as I was to stop walking. He took off his jacket and handed it to me.

"Do you know how to set up a tent or start a fire?" He asks.

" I went camping when I was little, but I was more of an observer." I tell him.

He chews his lip as he thinks. Dean sets our stuff down.

"Here, practice with this, I will set up camp."

He hands me a knife, it is heavier then I thought. I take it out of its scabbard. It glints in the morning sunlight.

"Dean?"

"Yeah"

"Do you mind if I wear your jacket? I am still cold."

He shouts ok, half listening. I put it on over my sweatshirt and zip it up. My hands are beginning to warm up though.

"They said it was supposed to get up to 50 today." I say.

"Well they fuckin' lied didn't they."Dean yells.

I feel the weight of the knife in my right hand. I sit down, I look over at Dean.

"Are you sure you don't need a hand Dean?"

"Allie, I am fine. I can do this on my own. Get a book out or something?"

**1 hour Later**

* * *

The camp is up, and a fire is roaring in the fire pit. As I warm my hands next to the fire Dean sits down next to me. I give him the knife back.

"So how did you find this place? You said it was safe but how do you know?" I ask.

Dean blows on his hands. I ask him if he wants his jacket back but he shakes his head no.

"For one thing I just worked up a sweat and you will too. Safety wise this place is almost impenetrable. My mothers family had been coming here for generations to train their children how to hunt. You see, there are two circles of salt that were laid into the soil. One on the outside of the whole plot of land, and the other closer to the house." He says.

"I thought you said we shouldn't go near the house." I say.

"Right, but actually, when I say nearer I mean relatively; we are actually right on the boundary of the second line."He tells me.

We spend the next half and hour warming up and then he tells me to take the knife from him. I do, and my training begins. I plant my feet the way I had been taught in Judo, I run at Dean with the knife, and he dodges. We try this excersice again and again until I can't take it anymore.

"What am I doing wrong?" I ask.

"You need to anticipate the moves of your opponent."

"So like a Judo tournament?" I ask.

"Yeah, umm like that." He says.

Something clicks in my brain and I finally manage to poke him with the knife.

"Thats a good start, why don't I show you different ways to kill with it.

**2 Hours Later**

* * *

The sun was high in the sky when we stopped to break for lunch. We were both drenched in sweat. I prepare some cold cut sandwiches Dean brought in a cooler. We eat in silence until both of us are done with our food.

"Do you want to keep going?" He asks.

"Do you mind if we take a little break.?" I ask.

We sit in silence enjoying each other's company. I feel as if I can finally trust him.

"Dean, you would never force yourself on anyone would you?" I ask.

He looks at me weirdly, to him I asked it out of nowhere.

"I don't do very well with guns.."

He shakes his head, but there is concern in his eyes.

"Those are completely unrelated things, is there something you need to tell me? If you want we don't have to do guns today. We can wait until you are proffiecent with a knife.

"I would prefer that. Can I see it?" I ask.

"What" He says.

"The Gun, I just want to hold it." I ask.

"Dean, I have only known you for three days, but I feel like..."

"You've known me three weeks... that is what hunting does to people. It brings them very close in a short amount of time. You are beginning to trust me aren't you?" He says.

I gulp. He and I have become fast friends, I know what his favorite food is: Pie, I know that he misses his Dad. We have the same sense of humor. He knows my favorite color is blue, that I love dancing in the rain. That I love playing music on the piano and singing. He doesn't know what happened to me. It will take a lot for me to tell him.

* * *

***Flashback***

I blame myself for what happened. I was stupid. i shouldn't have worn such a revealing outfit. Maybe if I had been more modest... maybe if I hadn't asked for it. I remember it was storming out, I was with my friend Melvin and his girlfriend Lilly, We had fake ids and got into a bar. It was my idea. I had too much to drink. Melvin and Lilly had left to go back to their place when this man, I don't even remember his name. But I remember his eyes, they were green. I was walking to my car when it happened. he placed the barrel of a gun to the back of my head and told me to turn around slowly. I told him he could take whatever he wanted, just don't hurt me. He laughed. His eyes were laughing too. He gave me a fucking hickey on my neck and left me with bruises. I managed to keep my panic at bay long enough to break his arm. I got in my car and drove and barely made it home alive. I crawled into bed. I haven't told anyone about it... I never even told my parents.

***End Flashback***

* * *

I am shaking like a leaf. I feel the urge to vomit rise in my throat.

"You ok?" He asks.

He makes a move to put his arm around me, I flinch.

"No, I just need to..."

I run as far away as I can and I vomit. I feel dirty.

"Allie... what's wrong?" He asks.

His green eyes, they flicker with worry. Green eyes. I wash my mouth out with water. I hold my knees to my chest. After awhile I calm down. After Awhile I can look at Dean again without flinching.

**That Night**

* * *

"Are you feeling better?" Dean asks?

"A little," I respond.

"Good, because otherwise I would have to eat these brautwurst all by myself."

He raises his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

"Of course, because Dean Winchester has never eaten brautwurst before, he prefers clams."

I smile and laugh. He makes a show of eating the hot dog. I snort and follow suit.

"So, tell me; do you prefer eating brautwurst or clams?" He asks.

I stop mid bite and swallow the food. I must look pretty shocked because that asshole is laughing like a damn Hyena.

"Either, they both taste bad. I mean they each have a different tang to them." I tease.

At that he stops laughing, and he looks curious.

"Have you ever...?" He asks.

"Nope, I mean I have never even been kissed yet so..." I state.

He chokes on his beer, and gives me a look that seems to say ' I don't believe you.' It has gotton colder so I head inside the tent. I put on my Harry Potter Footie pajamas.

"You can't be serious?" He jibes.

" I am a ravenclaw... and I am cold." I state.

"So, does that mean I can Slytherin to your chamber of secrets?" He says.

His smirk is so wide I am amazed it doesn't stretch round his face, the fucker.

"Sorry but my chamber of secrets are closed to any basilisks without a parsletounge."

At that Dean wiggles his tounge around like a snake and hisses. I punch his shoulder.

"Shut up." I say.

"Aw come on, I thought we were having fun? Don't tell me you are afraid of a basilisks poison?"

"What, you mean bad breath? I am getting kind of tired but it is rather cold out."

I yawn and head inside the tent. Dean follows.

"You know, it is easier to stay warm if we are both naked right?" He jokes.

I roll my eyes. We lay in silence for at least five minutes.

"Is the fire out? I ask.

"Yeah, don't worry I put it out."

I blow on my hands to keep them warm. After 30 minutes of trying to get to sleep I look over at Dean and he is staring up at the top of the tent.

"What are you thinking about?"

"My brother." He says.

"Oh,"

I clear my throat and rub my eyes. Dean breathes deeply, and scoots closer to me.

"What was he like?" I ask.

"Sam, well he was... he is... I don't know. I had to protect him a lot. Sometimes I feel like he got to have the childhood and I wound up having to be the adult. I was a kid."

"And your Dad?"

"Their relationship was complicated to say the least. Ahem, goodnight."

He rolls over, his back to my body. Almost like he is trying to distance himself from me.

"Dean, I am sorry."

He turns back around and meets my gaze.

"For what?"

"Your childhood."

Hearing how he grew up makes me grateful for the way I was raised. Suburban house with an older sister. He tries putting his arm around my waist and I tense.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Sorry, force of habit."

I look into his green eyes and gulp hard and lay down.

"You're okay Dean, if you want to put your arm there, it's ok. It might even help me stay warm." I say.

His body heat engulfs me, I try and shake the feeling of disgust out of my head. I almost feel like I have to force myself to endure this. I do like being touched by Dean; I mean he and I are friends but... at the same time I am repulsed. Sometimes when I look at him, look into his eyes... all I see is that man. The one who hurt me.

"Dean, you promise me something."

"Depends on what it is."

"Promise me, that you won't ever rape anyone ok."

"That is a weird request but ok."

"Say I promise!"

"I Promise" He says.

I fall asleep in my best friends arms, and feel... safe.


	4. The Cleansing Rain

Authors Note: I noticed that in one chapter I said two days, and in the next chapter I said 3. I am just going to have those chapters be each a separate day. Sorry for the confusion.

**The Cleansing Rain**

**85 Days Ago**

Dean had risen early this morning. We had listened to the forecast on our radio and it said a thunderstorm was coming. I love the sound of rain, I find it relaxing. Almost like Nature's lullaby. I hadn't really slept well these past few days. Lately Dean has been pushing me harder in my training. We would get up early and go to bed late. Yesterday he and I had gotten into a fight. I had finally snapped at him and his training regimen. _Noises from outside, the shuffling of Dean's footsteps as he puts on the tarp_. My flashbacks are getting worse. Yesterday was also the day when I tried shooting a gun for the first time. My knife training is coming along, we used to use Daggers sometimes in Judo; so it is a familiar feeling. I hadn't practiced my Judo in two years, so it is only a matter of feeling the knife as I would the dagger. As an extension of myself.

Rain starts to fall outside, Dean enters the tent and zips up the opening. He shakes his hair like a dog, and crawls back into his sleeping bag. I pretend to be asleep. I don't really want to talk to him about what happened. He breathes deeply and falls back to sleep. I am kind of glad we had the fight. It is days like these when I miss my parents. I have finally come to terms with it. Yesterday, after my fight with Dean I had called my parents, expecting them to answer. It finally hit me, that I am not dreaming. I am awake, and I won't ever see my parents again. I wish he wasn't right though, I wish I could just run to my older sister. I can't. I don't want to endanger her. Thunder booms overhead. The storm is here.

I breathe deeply and that is when I feel it, I need to pee. I open the tent and rush out to a tree, unzip my onsie and hope to god that I don't pee on it. This is one of those times where I wish I could just aim and shoot and out the pee would come. After the flow stops I just stand there, naked among the trees. I walk back to the tent my shoes squelching on the now wet mud. While Dean is sleeping I carefully change into sweatpants and a t-shirt. He turns over; and opens his eyes. I don't have pants on. I freeze. Shit. He closes them again and turns over, going back to sleep. I don't know what I am feeling right now. I almost feel numb.

Right as the lightning flashed I opened the tent. I feel like a teenager sneaking out to go on a date. He doesn't stir. I breathe deeply taking the scents around our tent as I zip it up. I am chilly. I spread my arms wide and tilt my head back. I run barefoot, the mud in between my toes feels good. I feel a sense of calm overtake me. Then, I start to pray. I am still trying to figure out exactly what I believe in that department. I do believe there is a God, but I have my doubts.

"Hey, God, umm."

I clear my throat. I feel like an idiot for all I know I could just be talking to myself.

"Hey God, It's me, Allie. I was wondering, if... I mean are you... Do they like it up there?"

I stick my toes deep into the mud and bite my lip.

"I was wondering something, actually no... umm, I was wondering why you allowed them to die? Why did you take them? WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE WAITED UNTIL I GOT HOME! Why didn't you take me too? I was wondering WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE? Why did you send Dean to save me? I just... I want them back. Please? Please? ANSWER ME! WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING ANSWER ME?"

I sit down, my hair sticking to my face. I clutch my knees and feel my heart tense. I am not going to cry. Crying is for the weak. I am not going to cry... Tears fall from my eyes, I hear footsteps. Warmth engulfs me. I bite my lip in order to keep sound from escaping.

"Allie, what is wrong?" Dean asks.

"Nothing, I am fine... I am just fine." I say.

He knows me well enough to know that I am not fine. He kneels down next to me.

"Allie, you aren't fine! Ever since we tried having you shoot that gun... You..."

He stops talking. He hugs me, and I just want to push him away. I hit him, once, twice, thrice. I sweep my foot and knock him off balance, I straddle him and am about to punch him in the face. i stop, breathe and count to ten. It isn't him I am mad at. He looks angry, but also scared. I just want to take my anger out on something, I need a razor so badly right now.

"I am sorry Dean." I say.

He sits up and brushes the hair from my eyes.

"Can I see the knife?" I ask.

His eyes go wide. He knows what I want to do with it. I get up off of him and walk a couple steps away, my arms crossed against my chest.

"Come inside the tent, we can talk this through." Dean says.

"I don't want to talk about it Dean. JUST GIVE ME THE KNIFE!"

His eyes go hard, he grimaces.

"I am not going to let you hurt yourself." He says.

"I know." I say.

* * *

**Authors Note: The next chapter will be even more emotional. They talk about their families. I am also thinking of having Allie teach Dean some basics of Judo and then we finally see her shoot a gun. The chapter after that I am thinking of it being a wrap up of training and then them looking for an "easy" case - there will be three of them. Please Review and let me know what you think. **


	5. Family

Warning: Survivor's guilt- Major survivors guilt!

**Family**

**30 minutes later**

Dean and I sit cross legged facing each other. The storm rages on outside, a camp light flickers across the walls of the tent, we don't talk. We just listen to the sound of our breathing. I changed into my other pajamas. A white night dress and boxers with puppy slippers. I tentatively unzip my bag and pull out my bear. Mr. Bear. I clutch him tight to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut.

"Your hands... they are purple?" He asks.

"Yep, thanks for stating the obvious." I snap at him.

"Do they always look like that when you get cold?" He asks.

I nod. I take a deep breath and look up at him, he grimaces.

"I don't need you to protect me Dean!" I say.

"Well apparently I do, I won't let you hurt yourself."

I huff, and squeeze Mr. Bear even tighter.

"Sorry I hit you, I was mad. I...I just needed to hit something or to break something. You were just the first thing that appeared."

"Did it help?" He asks.

"Yes,"

"I hate this Dean... I want to go home. I want my parents. Hell, I'd even be okay with taking a damn math final. As long as it meant I could go home again."

The urge to cry bubbles up in my throat. I hold it back.

"How do you do this? How can you live without them? I called my parent's phone, I just wanted to hear their voices. I don't even know if Molly knows..."

Dean breathes deeply, he won't meet my gaze.

"You just keep going. You don't look back. You don't think about it, and you don't let it affect you." He states.

"Because that works so well for you!" I say sarcastically.

He looks at me, I feel like something is lodged in my throat. When I breathe it feels like a vice grip on my heart. I hiccup. No I will not cry. My lip quivers. I bite it. I whimper and put my hand over my mouth.

"Well, at least I have a family! What have you got? Only me right? Oh wait, you have a sister you can run too; you could ruin her life while your at it."

He pauses, his eyes are full of anger.

"That is how I cope with things. I DON'T THINK YOU COULD DO ANY BETTER. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I TOOK YOU IN. I should have just let the demons get you. It would have been less trouble for me. I could find my brother and I wouldn't have to deal with this... _' oh my family died and look how horrible my life is'_ it is BULLSHIT! YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD! TRY LOSING YOUR MOM WHEN YOU ARE A KID! Try moving from school to school every couple years. WHAT ABOUT NEVER HAVING A CHILDHOOD! You fucking got one. You had what I would kill for. NOW YOU TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE IT BAD!"

He is shaking. I am shaking. My shoulders start and then I can't stop crying. I clutch my mouth and scream into it. I turn my back to him and cry. I let the tears roll down my cheeks. For a while he doesn't say anything. I have a headache, snot runs down my nose into my mouth, I turn quickly around. My eyes are probably bloodshot, if he screams then damn it I will too!

"FUCK YOU, I WISH YOU HADN'T SAVED ME! I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LET ME GET AMBUSHED! THEN YOUR LIFE WOULD BE A WHOLE LOT FUCKING BETTER! AND I COULD BE WITH MY FAMILY. Why did you knock on my window that day Dean? Why didn't you just let me drive home?" I scream.

He looks surprised. The anger seems to drain from his face.

"Allie... I." He starts

"Why did you save me? Why couldn't you leave me alone? I didn't even get to say goodbye Dean. I never even got to say goodbye." I say.

I bit my lip as new tears begin to flow, I taste snot and wipe it on my arm.

"I wish you had let me get killed."

He opens up a beer and hands it to me. I chug it down like it was ambrosia. I wipe my eyes.

"I couldn't do that Allie, I was sent to find you. I had been tracking you for a while before I knocked on your window." He says.

I choke on the beer. He was stalking me!

"So, you were stalking me?"

He bugs his eyes out.

"What, No; I wasn't"He says.

I fiddle with my necklace, and give him a look. So I am dealing with a creeper after all.

"Before you say anything, it wasn't like that. Not the way you're thinking."

"You were fucking stalking me... okay Sherlock Holmes, why were you _**not **_stalking me?" I ask.

"I was on the way to your house when I saw your car, don't look at me like that! I pulled over and when I saw that you looked like the girl in the picture I was so relieved to find you." He says.

"What picture?" I ask.

He pulls out an old picture. From when I was little. I clutch it in my hands.

"Where did you get this?" I ask.

"An old friend. He told me to come looking for your family," He says.

"You can keep it if you want?" He says.

"You don't mind?" I ask.

He shakes his head clears his throat.

"I am sorry, for what I said. I didn't mean it." He says.

"You are sorry for what you said, but you **did **mean it. You meant all of it." I say.

Dean nods and puts his head in his hands.

"You meant what you said too huh? You really wish you weren't here?" He asks.

I sigh.

"What were your parents like?" Dean asks.

I smile.

"My mom, she was the most hard working woman I knew. She was the CEO of a homeless shelter. I don't know... well she had been to the congress 3 times and the president came to visit her." I say.

"She must have been an important woman?" Dean says.

"She was, but... but... the last thing I said to her."

Dean puts his hand on my shoulder, awkwardly trying to comfort me, it helps a little.

"I told her that if she didn't accept me for who I am... that if she didn't accept that I am pan, that she can go fuck herself."

I take a sip of beer.

"What is pan?" Dean asks.

"A sexuality." I say.

"So, are you attracted to pans?"

I roll my eyes,

"No, contrary to popular belief, if you are pan it doesn't mean that you are attracted to pans."

"What is it then?" He asks.

"I am attracted to any and all genders. Gender doesn't really factor into the equation of whether I like someone." I explain.

"There is more than one gender?" He asks.

I switch to laying down on my side, as does he; mirroring each other certainly helps in communication.

"There are boys, and there are girls... but that is just the Gender Binary. There is a spectrum of gender." I say.

"So did you ever fantasize about girls?"He asks.

"Yeah, did you ever..."

"NO!"

"You never thought girls were hot? What about boys?"I say.

I smirk, I know I am making him uncomfortable. He laughs.

"Dean," I say.

"Yeah" He responds.

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"Caring. You are family to me now. Well, in some ways at least.." I say.

"Allie," Dean asks.

"Yeah,"

"I care about you a lot, I don't think I could ever see you as family,"

"Oh,"

He has inched closer to me. I can feel his breath on my cheeks. He looks self conscious.

"Allie I.."

I know where this is going. Dean's eyes close. My breathing hitches.

"What are you doing Dean?" I ask.

"What do you mean?" He asks.

I pull away from him.

"I can't." I state.

"Why not?" He asks.

"I just can't. I want to, but I can't."

"What is the problem here Allie, it was just a stupid kiss, it didn't even have to mean anything!" He states.

"Then why try and kiss me at all, if there would be no meaning behind it?" I ask.

"I don't know why I... Why did you... don't you trust me?"

He is trying to guilt trip me.

"With everything else yes, but not with this." I say.

"I thought we..." Dean says.

"We do... but I told you... I can't. I want my first kiss to be with a boyfriend, not just a friend, or a friend with benefits." I tell him.

"You really wouldn't want anything casual would you?" Dean asks.

"No. I don't find it appealing." I say.

"I respect that. You say you want to but can't, how come?" He asks.

I sigh, should I tell him what happened? I gulp and look into his eyes. His beautiful green eyes.

"Because Dean, how do I know that you will be able to stop? If I tell you No, how can I be sure that you will stop. Your eyes scare the shit out of me Dean, Why didn't he stop? Why didn't he stop?"

We spent that day talking about a lot of things. To this day I feel proud of myself. I was able to tell my secret to someone. I felt less ashamed. He and I had come to an understanding. Right now, everything was business. He wasn't ready to settle down into monogamy and I sure as hell wasn't ready for anything physical. We had, I guess a thing. We had a thing. We both knew we liked each other but we weren't on the same page. I spent that night content to just be held by him. It was enough. We were only friends after all. He made me feel as if I had something to hold onto. He made me feel safe.

* * *

**Hello friends, what did you think? I know that it was a very tense chapter. I thought it best for their characters if they acknowledged the facts. What they had been feeling for each other. After all when you are alone with someone for five days, with only them to talk to. You get pretty close, really fast. In the next chapter there will be a lot more action and less feels. More to come lovelies! **

**:D Remember to RandR**


	6. Blood

_Change of plans, there will be no more camping. They are officially on the road! I don't own Supernatural!_

**Blood**

**80 days ago**

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I scream.

"What is it? Dean asks.

Dean yawns. Then he looks down and screams.

"What happened?" Dean asks.

"I am never regular, how was I supposed to know that today would be the day where -"

Dean shakes his head and gets up out of bed. He is silent. He motions for me to get up. There is blood on my Harry Potter Footie Pajamas. Damnit they are my favorite. He strips the bed and then goes to talk to the front desk guy. As the door shuts I scream.

"SHIT"

My flow isn't too bad at this point. It is just starting but it is defintity heavier than it should be. It has been three whole months since my last period. I counted. Great. I remember my doctor saying I needed to get on birth control for fertility later on and that should help regulate everything. I head into the bathroom and strip off my clothes. As I step into the shower I hear the door slam shut.

"The guy said they can get someone to come clean it up. They said don't worry about it." Dean says.

Dean comes in and brushes his hair and teeth. I can't believe it. As I am cleaning my body he unzips his pants and I hear the sound of urine hitting the side of the bowl. Dean flushes the toilet and zips up. As he is walking out he and I make eye contact. Awkward. As soon as he leaves I continute washing myself. I always find it rather annoying. More of an inconvenience to get my period than anything else. On the plus side I am not pregnant. Thank God I thought to get pads during our last supply run. I thought, what the hell, just in case. Dean didn't say anything but the counter lady sure did. She thought it was so sweet that he was paying. I groan. I turn off the water.

"By the way what did- umm..."

Just as I step out of the shower Dean opened the door. We just look at each other. I don't let go of eye contact. I am embarrassed but I don't want to hide behind a towel. I guess it must be my exhibitionist coming out. I feel blood trickle down my leg. Dean looks down at it as it leaves my curly hair and travels down my thigh. I look at the front of his jeans. Trying to decipher how big he is. I can't tell. He clears his throat. My eyes snap up again and then i feel extremely embarrassed all of a sudden. I don't know why. I just do.

" I umm... was wondering if you wanted to go get breakfast?" He says.

He looks at my boobs. I wrap the towel around myself. I don't know what I am feeling right now. Dean appears to come back to his senses and closes the door.

What the fuck just happened? I make sure to put a pad in my underwear. You never want to get leaks after all. I get dressed in black pants and a grey tshirt. I put my sweatshirt in the crook of my arm and open the door. Dean is sitting on the bed. He bites his lip and looks away from me. We load up the car. It will be a long couple weeks. We are now Harvard bound. But first we drive to breakfast.


	7. Breakfast of Champions

**Breakfast of champions.**

An old woman seats us. Then goes on to other tables. Dean won't look at me. He looks at the table or the ceiling but never in my eyes. We should probably talk about what happened.

"We need to talk." I say.

Dean swallows hard and rubs the back of his neck. I have known this man for a little over a week but I know his tells. He is nervous. I try and read his face but it is blank. I hate when he does that. I try to touch his hand but he puts them in his pockets. Finally he looks at me. He clears his throat.

"What are you gonna get?" He asks.

"Eggs Benedict probably." I say.

The old woman comes and takes our orders. We sit in silence after she leaves.

"Sorry." Dean says.

"What." I ask.

He is looking at the table and won't meet my eyes. I gulp my coffee. I know what he means.

"Ok." I say.

The air seems to change between us. Dean is back to his old self. He has a shit eating grin on his face.

"You don't look half bad naked." He says.

I roll my eyes and smirk. I kick him under the table. He laughs. When our food comes we devour it. When we are all done eating we head back to the impala.

"I wonder." I muse.

"What?" He asks.

"How big are your feet?" I ask.

He gets in the driver side and slams the door. I look down, I am frustrated. Meanwhile Dean smirks.. again.

"Big enough to satisfy most women." He says.

Before we hit the interstate I ask if we can go to my old house. I don't say it very loud but he heard. It is close by here. It will be painful but there are some things I need to get. We don't anything until we pull into the driveway.


	8. Homeward Bound

Disclaimer: I just finished Season 3 guys! Guys!... Dean is in hell! I don't own.

**Homeward Bound**

_**78 days ago**_

As we pull up to the house I feel a shiver run through me. The rumbling of the engine and Dean next to me have become a comfort to me. I open the door on my side and step out of the impala. The cool Nebraska air runs across my face. Halloween is coming soon. It will be here in about two weeks. Dean steps out of the Impala and whistles. He gives me a look.

"You grew up here?" He asks.

His brown hair is getting tousled by the wind. I lean on the hood of the Impala and nod. My parents were loaded.

"They were in the process of remaking their will when they died." I say.

Dean reaches out to me. I shake my head.

"This house has been in my family since i can remember."

The brick house stands like a memorial to a different time. The white pillars, the garden... so many lazy afternoons spent traveling in and out of it's winding paths. Then I see my sister. She is standing with her fiancé. Her face looks puzzled. She glances at Dean, there are no police cars around or police tape. I stand there, rooted to the spot. I thought I would never see her again. She looks different than when I last saw her. Her brown hair is in a ponytail, her brown eyes are troubled.

"Molly!" I scream.

I haven't seen her since I left for my internship, it must have been a year since I saw her. Dean and I walk up the long driveway and I stop to tell him about different things, like how we used to swing on that tree until it broke. Dean stands awkwardly while my sister and I catch up.

"So how are we divvying this up Allie?" She asks.

Of course that is the first thing out of her mouth. I love her to death but she is so businesslike.

"What happened to the bodies" Dean asks.

He must be thinking of salting and burning them. I give him a look.

"When is the funeral?" I ask her.

She breathes deeply and tells us. It is planned for this weekend. Today is Monday and it is planned for Saturday. That gives Dean and I some time to get know each other before we continue onward. I can try and give him what he never had. I might be able to give him some of my childhood. Just maybe. I squeeze his hand.

"I don't really have a use for such a big place, Dean and I are on a road trip, the only thing we could use is money." I say.

"How does 1 mil sound?"

Dean's eyebrows raise.

"And... don't forget." I say.

She nods.

"So 1 mil and a shit ton a weed sound like an even trade?" I ask.

She nods and we enter my old house. The grand staircase looks as beautiful as ever.

Dean snorts.

" I didn't know you smoke?" He says.

"There is a lot you don't know." I say.

We head up to my old room. I just want to sleep. We have been driving for 3 and a half hours.

"So when she said 1 mil... she actually meant 1 million dollars?" Dean asks.

I nod.

"Do you smoke?" I ask.

He nods.

"Sometimes."

I fall asleep to the sounds I have missed. The smell of gunpowder and leather. I kiss his cheek and my eyes close. It is good to be home.


	9. Mental Breakdown

**I know it has been like a year since I last updated. Sorry for the delay. A lot has been going on. Trigger warning - Psychosis and ptsd and self harm.**

Mental Breakdown

I awake to Dean's arm wrapped around me. I freeze. It isn't Dean anymore. It is him.

"You ok?" he says.

"Get the fuck away from me. you... you... bastard." I say.

I run towards the wall. I feel trapped. This isn't happening. This isn't real. He is Dean but then he is not Dean.

"Allie, what is wrong?"

" You are not him,Dean promise me you are real and you are not him."

I clutch tight to my chest and I rock back and forth trying to comfort myself.

"She didn't like it. Not at all. It happened to her. It was her fault. She did it... That is Little Allie.. and I.. we are Phoebe. We protect her from men."

I clutch my head in my hands. The voices are a cacophony of sound. They scream that it is my fault that this isn't real. Dean clutches my hand and squeezes it.

"I am real Allie. See. This is real."

"I am in a bedroom, not a forest. In a bedroom not a forest. You are real. I am real. I need a razor. Give me a razor I need to feel real. Your eyes are green just like his. He hurt Alllie. Hurt her bad.

The man's eyes change and look at you with concern. He holds you as you shake. He sighs and you hear his heartbeat.

"I am right here Allie. Look at me."

He tries to grab her hand but she scoots away because men are bad. All of a sudden phoebe takes over. A calm overcomes my body. I am strong. I am a warrior and protector. I am cold as ice. Nothing can hurt us.

"Get away from me. You are a man. Men are evil and cockroaches. They take whatever they want. I protect her and you are not going to hurt her."

"Allie, talk to me."

"My name is Phoebe. And you have green eyes. Just like him. Are you going to hurt us. Do we need to hurt you?" I say.

"Allie... Phoebe... I would never hurt you. Not all men are bad. I will protect you. No one can ever hurt you. Not while I am around."

I don't feel cold anymore. I feel little.

"Promise. No bad men. No bad touches." we ask.

"I promise." Dean says.

"Pinkie swear." We ask.

We pinkie swear.

My breathing slows down a little my anxiety getting better. I feel like I am coming back.

"They came out didn't they? What did they say?"

(**This chapter is from somewhat of a personal ****experience as I have ptsd with psychosis and dissociative identity disorder)**


End file.
